Empathy and emotional intelligence are desirable traits for a leader, but it’s important to balance empathy and understanding with authority and boundaries.

Carrying other people’s burdens can take an emotional toll on you, and making too many accommodations for personal challenges can lead to a decline in overall team performance.  

Leaders who fall foul of toxic empathy often believe they are helping, but instead of creating a supportive environment, they inadvertently generate confusion, resentment, stagnation, and burnout.

How toxic empathy can present itself in leadership

Toxic empathy can be the result of many things. Some leaders begin to over-identify with team members’ struggles, blurring the line between empathy and enmeshment. Some leaders are so worried about being disliked and unpopular, they avoid conflict at all costs. Others become driven by a desire to be seen as the “good” or “supportive” manager, even when that image comes at the expense of fairness and clarity.

Being liked and respected as a leader is important, but you must be careful not to prioritise popularity over accountability. Be aware of warning signs that your empathy is not as healthy as you might think.

Taking on other people’s emotional burdens

It’s not unusual to come across someone who is constantly negative. They are always stressed, caught up in some kind of drama, or feeling hard done by. You try to offer sympathy and support, but it begins to drain your energy.

This is a classic case of toxic empathy. You start to absorb somebody else’s stress, and your own emotional exhaustion rises. Decision-making becomes clouded, and over time you may even begin to resent the very person you are trying to support.

This is not limited to managers. Many people are affected by toxic empathy both inside and outside of work. However, as a manager, you need to recognise when it is happening in your team so you can address it before it drags everyone down.

Avoiding difficult conversations

If you know an employee is having personal challenges or is easily upset, it can be tempting to overlook tardiness, avoid difficult conversations, and let performance slide. You may also hesitate to address misconduct, sympathising with an employee’s struggles and allowing standards to erode.

However, when you do this, performance issues linger, other colleagues are forced to pick up the slack, and the struggling employee never receives the clarity they need to improve.

Being too lenient or accommodating

Flexibility is an important leadership trait but consistently bending rules or excusing subpar work, diminishes trust. While offering short-term leniency can be compassionate, allowing chronic non-performance to continue often leaves higher performing team members to feel resentful and undervalued.

You might also find yourself picking up the slack and covering for employees when they miss deadlines due to personal challenges. This pattern leads to unsustainable workloads, muddled priorities, and a team that gradually loses direction.

Protecting people from fallout or consequences

Some leaders go so far as to shield employees when personal problems are impacting their work. They secretly cover up their mistakes and protect them from any consequences.

It might feel kind in the moment, but the long-term effects can be significant. By protecting people from discomfort, you prevent them from developing resilience and responsibility.

The hidden costs of toxic empathy

Toxic empathy often doesn’t feel harmful because it usually comes from a place of kindness. Unfortunately, when left unchecked, it can have a significant impact on you, your team, and the wider organisation.

Employees start exploiting kindness

Some employees might start to exploit your kind nature. They may repeatedly cite personal challenges as reasons for missed deadlines or incomplete tasks, using empathy as a shield against accountability.

Others may make unreasonable requests for flexibility, time off, or leniency because they know you have a history of accommodating such demands.

In some cases, employees will only share personal difficulties when they anticipate negative feedback, using emotional disclosure to deflect criticism.

Resentment and frustration build

High-performing employees can become disheartened or undervalued when they perceive that standards are unevenly applied. Over time, this resentment undermines morale and weakens team cohesion.

Performance suffers

When employees see that underperformance is tolerated or that policies are enforced subjectively rather than objectively, they start to become less engaged. They might reduce their own effort, believing that excellence is no longer necessary and rules are optional. This leads to widespread confusion about expectations and a general decline in performance.

Leader suffers burnout and emotional fatigue

Ultimately, leaders who operate with toxic empathy often experience burnout. Carrying the emotional weight of the team, avoiding conflict, and constantly trying to maintain harmony will drain your energy and diminish your effectiveness.

What healthy empathy looks like

Empathy without structure can become chaotic, but structure without empathy can be too rigid and cold. Good leadership requires you to find the right balance. Healthy empathy enables you to support people without falling into unhelpful patterns.

Deliver feedback with honesty, care and clarity

When giving feedback, be direct but kind, compassionate but clear, ensuring employees understand expectations and feel supported in meeting them.

Be supportive without sacrificing standards

Offer support while maintaining consistent standards and clear boundaries, ensuring that empathy does not come at the expense of fairness or accountability.

Share the responsibility 

You should provide guidance and encouragement, but employees must own their performance. Instead of protecting people from hard truths, involve them in problem-solving and encourage them to take responsibility for their development.

Acknowledge people’s feelings without carrying them

Learn how to recognise and validate emotions without absorbing them. This approach preserves emotional balance and prevents burnout.

Prioritise long-term care over short-term comfort

Healthy empathy means choosing what helps someone grow, not what keeps them comfortable. It is a commitment to long-term development rather than short-term relief.

Developing Leaders

As a manager or leader, there’s always something new to learn or a skill you can improve and develop. Organisations need to support managers and leaders in this development, but you also need to invest in yourself.

Getting formal leadership and management training will not only help you build your leadership skills, it will also help you grow in confidence, and increase your chances of career progression.  

Alternative Partnership delivers ILM-accredited Leadership and Management training programmes to support you and your teams in gaining formal, nationally recognised qualifications.

Find out more about our current ILM courses here or get in touch to discuss how our services could benefit you.